Smell Ya Later!

Let's talk odour...shall we?

Tonight I shared the elevator at home with 4 men...three regular type dudes and a suit.  Now I didn't get close enough to find out who carried which particular scent, but the ride up to my floor was not especially pleasant. It was a strange combination of nasty old garlic and onion breath and fart.

Not cool.

But it got me to thinkin....

Boys can be stinky.



3 sons and 20 years in construction...I feel fairly confident in my expertise on given subject.

I don't mind that after work smell that a dude who's been physically working carries.  That musty sweat combined with whatever he's been working on, whether it grease and oil or wood or whatever..it's kind hot actually.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't rush out and buy a bottle of that shit for my man to douse himself in any sooner than I would wear 'Eau de Bacon' for him.  Just saying, it's not an unpleasant scent.

As opposed to working sweat, nervous sweat stinks..no doubt about it.  In both case however, kindly keep armpits away from my face.  As funny as it may be watching me turn 60 shades of green when you have me in headlock, it's simply not a good smell.

Never mind the variety of particularly gruesome fragrances that pass from a man's butthole.  A source of entertainment for a guy and no doubt some chicks.  But not me.  Yack.  Can only imagine what the air monitors would indicate in some instances.  In fact, I've walked into a washroom innocently and unsuspectingly after a man has finished dying inside, and I'm almost certain that had I first tested the air with said air monitor, I would have been warned away from the toxic fumes inside.

They should have one of those things, in my opinion.  It doesn't have to flash and no siren is needed...in most cases...but it would be nice to have some sort of advance warning.  And a green light when it's safe to enter.

It's true...I will say it...that women poop and toot too.  But never in my 38 years have I ever been knocked to near unconsciousness after being assaulted by a lingering scent of fecal matter that came from the fairer sex.  Men pretty much dominate the market on that one.  Yay for you.

Now men can smell really good too.  There are some kick ass fragrances available in many varieties.  I prefer some over others, like anyone else, and personally I like to keep the scent subtle.  Body wash is often enough.  A bottle of Polo splashed over a dude has never done it for me.  Generally speaking, if you are clean, and have doused cologne on your person...yet people stop dead 3 feet in front of you and make a wide arc around you, I'm guessing you still stink.  Too much of a good thing and all that.  Just saying.

And ohhhhh does the same apply to women.  Men do not corner the market on the overuse of perfume.  Women do that way too often...

Then there's the hockey bag.  It's like a mulch bin of sorts.  The sweaty equipment goes in, you zip it up...and gawd knows what kind of biological development occurs in that dark place until the next time you open it.  All I know, is that it stinks.  Therefore by default, so does the change room when 20 bags are all open at the same time.  The frightening part is that the smell stays in the change room long after the bodies and bags are gone.  What exactly are we breathing into our bodies when we breath that shit in?  I don't want to pursue that train of thought any further.



And ahhh...the smell of alcohol oozing from pores in the morning.  Y'all outta walk into our site trailer some days after the boys have fired it up the night before.  Yeah, yeah, yeah...girls smell the same the morning after a bender too...but men must have bigger pores or something, because the smell is just...bigger.  Thank gawd for plug-ins.  Go Glade!

Getting back to the dudes in the elevator.

No doubt someone farted at some point.  I've also used my extraordinary powers of deduction (cough, snort) to deduce that someone, or several someone's, ate something garlicy and oniony.



Brush your teeth please.  Floss occasionally.  Listerine.   And try gum.  I'm begging you.  You open up that orifice and I know I'm not the only one about ready to fall out of my boots when the stench emerges.

Now I'm not immune to being stinky...no one is.  As a smoker, I know I don't smell great all the time.  But I wash my hands after a cig, I chew gum...I wash my clothes frequently.  I do what I can .. it's only kind.  I only wish everyone did.  Kind of like I wish I could win the Lotto or we could have world peace.  I know it'll never happen, but I can still wish for it.

I'm just gonna add, that even Jimmy the Irish street person smelled good.  It can be done boys and girls.

I have one more thought I need to get out before I leave you with today's nonsense.

How come no one ever frickin says anything?