A Date With Two Young Men

I don't know what normal is for most mothers, but normal for me has become a series of moments that inspire feelings ranging from pride to utter horror.

No bloody wonder I'm nuts.


Saturday morning I whizzed through Toronto traffic and made the trip down to the metropolis of Bealton to pick up the boys. 


(whizzed through Toronto....metropolis of Bealton...heh, heh, heh...I kill me!)


I reached my destination at 9AM and found them in their pajamas watching cartoons.  Red had a mouthful of green 'breakfast' liquorice.   


Sigh


I wanted to take them shopping before ball hockey at noon, so I began the process of getting them away from the TV and dressed immediately.  Promises of new hoodies from the cool store and a trip to the sports store sparked interest momentarily, but its pretty hard to compete with the Madagascar penguins.


And they had the Nerf launchers out too.  I got shot in the ass while hugging the Saminator.


Game on.


Red handed me my own weapon of mass destruction and skipped over to his hidden stash of 'bullets' so that I could defend myself.  It's only fair.  I pressed the yellow foam bullet into the barrel, cocked that bad boy and shot Red in the belly.  He fell dramatically to the floor with a giggle.


I reloaded and aimed at Saminator...who's eyes were glued, unblinking, at the large screen...mouth slightly open.


I shot..and the little rubber end hit young Homer in the neck, thwap, and stuck.  That was cool.  Saminator laughed as he yanked it off.


At least I had his attention.


Eventually the war game ended, the boys were dressed and we were on our way to the stores.  They were somewhat behaved as we made our purchases (after all..it was all for them), and we decided to go to Boston Pizza to visit The Short One and have a snack (and COFFEE) before ball hockey.


The boys bolted into the restaurant, barely managing to remain in the "To Be Seated" zone when I asked them to hold up.  I need to get their brakes checked.


Their sister greeted us with a big beautiful smile and the boys were off in two shakes to pick a booth.  We were in one when Saminator decided to run into another one.  I just gave him 'the look' and asked him to get back here.  The Short One whispered that someone from their head office was there so she'd have to be very formal.  I shook my head in understanding and said a quick prayer that the boys would leave the restaurant in the same condition it was in when we arrived.


Coats off, Red beside me and Saminator across from me, we ordered a snack and drinks.  We managed to get through the half hour with only a few requests to Red to get out from under the table, and a few looks at the Saminator when he stood up to fire his TecDeck across the wall.  That's a successful restaurant trip.


Then it was time for ball hockey.


I'm going to save you the play by play simply because there were too many wicked moments to count!  Saminator started the game by swooping over to the ball and running it past the other teams' defense to score with a cool little toss into the top corner.


Oh yeah...


He then moved back to defense, later taking the goalie position where he didn't actually have much action.


Cuz the RedMan was on frickin fire.


SIX goals ma friends.  SIX!!


The other team didn't have a chance as Red whipped the ball away from frantic players and maneuvered in, around, and through the other players until he got to the net where he'd fire in a shot.  After every goal he'd come running down the arena to get a fist five and helmet tap from his grinning mom.


My favourite play happened at the net.  He actually faked a shot bringing the goalie diving down to block a corner, then Red calmly pulled the ball back and shot over the grounded goaltender.


Like...where does the dude come up with that stuff?


My heart just thumps reliving the moment.  Kid rocks.


I drove back to Toronto to the sound of snoring in the back seat.


An hour after arrival, the kids decided they were hungry.  Now.  It was 4:00.


Time for our date.


Ever been to The Spaghetti Factory on Front Street?  If you haven't, go!  Highly recommended!  Lots of interesting decor, food is fantastic and you don't feel financially raped when the bill comes.  It's ahhhhite!


The hostess led us through the restaurant to our table.  I pulled the chairs out for the boys and pushed them back in for them.  The floors are covered with cushiony carpet that makes sliding chairs impossible...


They were each given 5 crayons bundled together with an elastic.  An elastic.


Sigh


We ordered chocolate milks and coke and discussed menu options as the boys untied their crayons and began working away at the paper place mats.  Spaghetti and meatballs all around.  Bonus!


Chocolate milk arrived in glasses with two straws.


'Please don't blow bubbles.'


'No...don't slurp.'


'You are not a walrus..please take the straws out of your mouth.'


Eventually I just took their milk away and they returned to colouring, briefly.


'yes, you have a big foot, now get that big floppy thing off the table.'


'Don't lean back in your chair, it's gonna go over.'


'No, really, it'll go over.  Sit properly.'


Dinner arrived and was enjoyed.  Butcha gotta have dessert.


Ice cream for everyone!


Sweet...


Leftover spaghetti cleared away the boys had to entertain themselves.  And if you take an elastic, and pull it between crayons like this....


'Put the elastic down before it flies off and hits someone.'


Two little lightbulbs appear just over the horns on two little heads.


The 'Ibroughtyouintotheworldandicantakeyouout Look' appears and the light from the light bulb momentarily dims.


The elastic turned into handcuffs.  They discovered they could handcuff themselves with wrists in front or behind.  Red explained he was going to jail.


'For what?'  Says me


'I was bad.'  Says him


'What did you do?' Says me


'I stole something.'  Says him


'Oh dear, what did you steal?' Says me


'Popsicles.' Says him


It's a tough world folks.


Handcuffs got boring and they tried pulling the elastics back between the crayons..(give them credit for not giving up easily) but their mother was on to them.


Saminator though it would make a nice necklace but that didn't fly either.


Who was the brilliant mind that thought that would be a good plan?  Bundling crayons with an elastic and giving them to kids at a busy restaurant?


In hindsight I should have let 'em have at at it, just so I could shrug at the distraught staff and tell them they shouldn't hand out elastics to kids.  I am kind of curious just what the little monkeys would have come up with, given the freedom to explore the possibilities...

Ice cream finally arrived, was eaten...bill paid..and we bolted before they discovered anymore fun uses for elastics.  

End of date.

Restaurant still standing if you'd like to check it out :)


We were home by 6:30, played a bit, bathed, and watched a movie.  We were all in bed by 8:30.


Not terribly surprising.


It was a good day though :)  And I am proud of those kids...despite the moments of shock and horror.

It's not Monday?

Thank gawd the six year old is on top of these things....it's Tuesday, it's Tuesday, it's Tuesday....

What the hell happened to Monday?

Oh yes...picked up boys in morning...day was grey..rainy...afternoon trapped indoors with two balls of fury flying through multiple games on the Wii, swordfights and hockey games...a blurr of warnings about fighting, wiping tears, time outs, and those handy little Lysol wipes that are a must before sitting down on toilet...a vague recollection of a spaghetti dinner...and blessed sleeeeep....

Tuesday.

The sun decided to pay us a visit today...and since by 7AM the boys had had 4 wrestling matches, 2 hockey games and one Mario Kart race that ended badly for the Saminator, I decided we were going outside toodsweet.  (yes that was on purpose) I'm not sure what I looked like..but this is why God created the ball cap and sunglasses.

You don't have to drive far to find a place to set the animals free.  My apartment is fairly close to the lake and Toronto prides itself in its care of the beaches.  Rightfully so.  I'm not sure how far the beach goes but it's beautifully kept...and there is quite the assortment of playground equipment.  The best part?  Mine were the only two at the playground...

The joy of exploration of new equipment faded and a game of good guys vs bad guys began...multiple warning about sticks...about pushing...AND it was time to move on...  We ran across the span of beach volleyball courts, headed for the water.  No rubber boots...but hell...kids come washable and dryable.  

Sometimes as a parent, you must take one for the good of mankind.

We found ourselves a little spot and I plunked my arse down in the sand to take pictures while the boys searched for perfect stones to skip and to build sandcastles with their hands.  We were all equally delighted at the number of dogs walking their people up and down the beach.  Labs and terriers, Buster dogs, great danes and little pug nosed something or others.  They all introduced themselves, some offering the occasional lake water showers as their people grimaced.  It's all good.  

When Red became irritable at the happy pups blazing a trail through his sand wall, and Saminator stood up and half a tonne of sand fell from his person, I realized it was time to head home.  Lunch followed by nappypoo.

A hot shower late afternoon helped shake the cobwebs.  It takes considerable training to survive a monkey marathon, and I am sadly out of shape.  Yet I pushed on, so far unmedicated.

We went underground on the PATH to pick up new spring jackets with promises of donuts for the well behaved.  

I get a kick out of some salespeople.  Does nothing register as these retail queens watch me continuously warn the the boys to control their silly antics...repeatedly requesting they resist the urge to take swipes at their teasing sibling with their free hands, or feet, behind my back?  Do they know the power of the unbridled storm at my fingertips?  The two innocent faces barely suppressing the urge to tear free from the grip of their mother's hands,  to climb the shelves and reek havoc on the neatly piled T-shirts.  Oh the game of hide and seek that could be played amongst the racks of clothes and unsuspecting bystanders!  If they chuck all the clothes out of the bins...think of the wrestling match once they climb inside!  It's simply unwise to stand idly by and make me and my wee charges wait in line unnecessarily to make a purchase.  Two people in line, plus 2 tellers should equal no wait time...just sayin.  Especially when one teller is just moving shit around on the counter and acting like she's too good to be there.  I suggested to the older one who had damned near yanked my arm off by now, that I set them free if they don't serve us soon...saying so with enough volume to be overheard by the lazy saleswoman, cause that's how I roll.  The snotty teller offered to take me at the empty till as if she was doing me a grand favour.  Was it my comment, or the way Saminator's face lit up that inspired her?  Hmmmm...

If she only knew just how long my memory was.  That, dear friends, was that beatch's Mulligan. 

Coming back across the food court I asked the kids if they'd prefer an ice cream over a donut.  Duh.  As we waited what seemed an hour for the single person in line to finish counting their fucking pennies, the boys began to get silly...Saminator saying outrageous things as his younger, adoring brother laughed hysterically and  offered the occasional shove.  As this became a game of keepaway...with me as the barrier between the circling Terrors of Toronto, I simply looked at the ladies serving.  They were laughing at me.  Hardy fucking harr.  The look on their faces when I had the boys order their own ice cream was priceless.  Yes, I am out of my tree.  I have to tell you though, fastest freaking ice cream ever served on the planet.  Get the hell away from us, you crazy people,  was the message in that speedy service.  

See, now there are some smart people in retail.  All is not lost.

I did manage to teach one valuable lesson to my littlest angel today.

He insisted that he loved broccoli, and so for dinner tonight, I served pork chops and broccoli.  I did sprinkle some cheese on top.  Real cheese...not that Cheese Wiz that tastes nasty as shit.

When I put their plates down, Saminator was horrified, but Red had this 'oh shit I think I might be busted' look on his face.  

Saminator asked for something else .. okay, whined for anything else but broccoli, and I told him that's all there was.  He had to at least try.

I sat next to Red and watched him fidget out of the corner of my eye.

"Come on buddy, you said you love broccoli so I got it just for you...eat up now!"

I smiled as I said it, watching him measure me with his eyes.  The 'oh shit' turned into unspoken admiration.

Oh yeah, yo momma gotch yo numba.  You just learned your first lesson about your mother.  Never bullshit this bullshitter.

I let him fidget for another 5 minutes before I said "I don't suppose you'll be fibbing again will you?"

He solemnly declared he would not.

I brought out the leftover spaghetti.

And there was peace in the land of the Crazy Momma and her monkeys.

Now, it's time to clog the bathtub with sand from the beach, and go to sleep.

They will ask to snuggle me once they are all tucked in.  Saminator will wrap his arms around me and Red will snuggle into the crook of my arm and we'll tell each other we love each other.  

I'll try to remember what day it is when I wake tomorrow.

The Boys are Back in Town!

As always, my excitement over seeing the boys manifested into busy preparation for their arrival.  I zipped to the grocery store in effort to somewhat fill my empty fridge....move over fridge dust bunnies... Then I prepared a nice rib dinner...ready for when they were expected to arrive at 5pm.  


This weekend, they are skipping Saturday hockey practice to stay here in Toronto with me. Sunday, we'll boogy out of here by 6:30AM to get to Sam's hockey game...but tonight, and tomorrow..we be chillin'....


At 6:30pm (late as shit motha fucka!) security called up "hi Vicki, there are a whole lot of kids here to see you!"  I grinned.  My 2 boys have a way of appearing like a whole lot of kids, it's true.  "Send 'em up!" says me.  "You got it" says security...like he couldn't get them out of the lobby quick enough.


heh heh heh...that's ma boys...


They burst through the door a few minutes later and in no time we were at the table (yeah..that would be the bad boy I assembled last week) eating dinner.  I am always surprised with how much boys can put away, and was impressed with the pile of shiny bones on Red's plate...his little face a big smear of rib sauce.  Saminator, however, wasn't feeling well...diarrhea....gggreat.....


Whatevs..they played Wii as I cleaned up and whipped up some banana bread which I put in the oven to bake as I gave them a bath.  I am domestic goddess today.  Boys had chocolate bath, pedicures (what's with the caveman feet...eyuuuuu) and I tucked them into their makeshift beds.  It was a nice night and I look forward to tomorrow :)


Inspired by Trophy Husbands singing with Sontoo, I'm leaving you with a link to my favourite video recording.  I'm singing "When I Think About Cheating" which is a really redneck country kind of tune...and Red participated.  Watch to the end for the cutest part...I apologize for the misery you have to endure to get there....


LilVic's version of "When I Think About Cheating" by Gretchin Wilson

Me 'n da Boyzzz

Saturday.

Me.  Red.  Saminator.  Unsupervised in the city.

The morning was rather uneventful, other than the Skype chat with Duckman.  The boys got to say 'hey' which was enough to wind them up and turn the condo into a hockey rink.  I'm sure my neighbours hate me.  The thumping of feet running across the hardwood...little bodies slamming into walls...slapshots, hoots, hollering...and gawd help me the penalties and subsequent retaliation shots...  I have no doubt that my shushing isn't nearly as quiet as I hope.  It certainly has zero effect.  About the only thing that works is the reminder that I have neighbours and they are going to wake up the baby.  I have no idea if there is indeed a baby...but the story slows the little monkeys momentarily...giving me time to come up with the next bribe.   Today's bribe was skating at Nathan Philip's Square.  Actually I'm not 100% sure it was the skating or the possibility of a cab ride that paused the indoor hockey brawl...  meh...

So we had some grilled cheese, the last of the world's crappiest looking cookies...we peed...we wrestled into snow pants and coats..(got in a couple of shots and howls during the 2 freaking seconds I left the front foyer)..and fell into the hallway.

The boys took off to the elevators and I could hear the doors open as I was locking my own door.  Visions of the two holy terrors running up and down the elevators tormenting unsuspecting residents flashed before my eyes as I darted down the hall and slid into the elevator.  Fortunately they were wrestling over who gets to push the button...bought me the time I needed....

Quick lecture about holding my hands and not running in the lobby...and we actually made it to the street.

The large outdoor rink is located approximately 5 blocks away...maybe a ten minute walk.  A lovely walk in fact, as it was only -1 this afternoon, and there was hardly any wind.  Saminator whined about how impossibly far the walk was...and when is a cab going to come by???...even going so far as to fall to his blessed knees at one point.  We were about a block away from home.  Oh the drama...  Little Red would jump up and down everytime a cab drove by, but alas...they were always going the wrong way.  Poor lads...walking to the rink like that.

And then low and behold...we were there.

"Oh that didn't take long!"  Chirped Red.

"uh huh" says me..

:)

So on went 2 pairs of skates and 2 helmets and the little freakazoids were off...zipping between the other skaters, diving, rolling...  And their mom...all bundled up watching with pride.  Those kids are pretty cool.  They'd go around once or maybe twice..waving at me...or stopping for a hug...  putting on a little show...reeally working it when someone notices them... LOL...little shits...

At some point, the wind picked up.  I couldn't feel my feet or hands and gave the boys the five minute warning.

And we caught a cab to go home.  Momma and the cold don't see eye to eye.

When we got in we had some tortilla's and salsa and snuggled up on the couch.  At some point, we all fell asleep, Red curled up in front of me...Saminator curled up at my legs with his head on my butt ...  I woke up stroking my older boy's hair as he slept, and buried my face in Red's neck...just feeling his soft warm skin, breathing his little boy smell...  I only get one day a week, but it's our day.

I tried to slip away to make dinner but woke them...and they watched TV with that sleepy little almost awake stare as I prepared dinner, and some Rice Krispie squares for dessert.

Soon enough I was turning the TV off and putting dinner down on the coffee table.  One more week and the dining room set comes in...hurray!  No more sitting on the floor around the coffee table.  Well...no more HAVING to sit there...we undoubtedly still will..it's all good :)

Me, flanked by Red and Sam, on the floor, at the coffee table..having dinner.  Pork chops, simmered in soup, with mashed potatoes.  mmmmm...  Our conversation went somewhat like this:

Me: "We need to go on vacation....where would you like to go?"

Saminator:  "Mexico"

Me, thinking are you crazy??? "Oh you don't want to go there..."

Saminator: "Why not?"

Me: "Because if you eat the ice cubes you get the poops"

Red:  "what's the poops?"

Me:  "Well, first your stomach makes this noise....rrrrrrrraaaruuurrrrrr"

Saminator and Red giggle and repeat noise.

Me:  "Then  you do this.." make motion with arms of running furiously, eyes wide, lips forming silent 'oh'....

Saminator and Red...laugh and repeat motion.

Me:  "Then you sit on toilet and your stomach makes noise (even louder)....RRRRRRAAARUUUURRRR"

Saminator and Red now standing up...laughing and making noise...

Me:  "and you have to hold on tight to the toilet...cuz the poop is coming out and it's going to shoot you straight up through the ROOF!!!!"

(my kids are soooo gonna need therapy)

Saminator and Red now rolling around laughing hysterically...

:)

So Mexico was a no.  They didn't want the poops.
They certainly won't eat Mexican ice cubes.

But Disneyland is something they are definitely pulling for.

We'll see.

"We'll see"...gawd I sound like my mother...  heh heh heh

The Wii occupied the boys as I tidied up and before we all knew it, it was time for pajamas..and bed.

Toronto seems relatively unscathed.

It was a good day.

Every girl should have a Duckman

Duckie, the laughable, lovable, dependable and secretly lovestruck best friend of Molly...in 1984's teen hit, 'Sixteen Candles'.

And it may have taken him 20 years to come clean...but it turns out I had my own Duckie.....

My Duckie was still a little mad at me for never noticing that he had the worlds biggest crush on me.  I remind him that he could have asked me on a date, for example...that may have tipped me off.  He always carries on about never missing a single one of my track and field practices...blah, blah, blah...  Whatevs...  :)  


Bottom line is, I always counted him among my favourite people...he was so funny, and I just loved being around him.  When he moved away, the school halls got much dimmer for me.


Then along comes Facebook...and old friends become new friends again!  (insert that choir of angels and open the heavens)  And this is when my Duckman came clean.  He loves me. He looooves me.  He thinks I'm awesomesauce.  He loves his wife and kids more...but he loves me too!


:)


The last year, I have found that he is still the same old Duckman, just waaay not shy anymore.  Although, I think if he thought for one minute that I wasn't allergic to married men, the cuddling, make out and spanking offers would be few and far between.  meh... He knows it makes me laugh.


It's peanut butta jelly time...it's peanut butta jelly time...


In the summer, Duckman absolutely thrilled Saminator and Red when he hung out with us.  Duckman happens to be a Flight Engineer for the Canadian Armed Forces... he's a soldier!!!  Woooooaaahhh!!  The boys thought they had died and gone to heaven!  They were slightly intimidated at first, you know...big dude with gun n'all..but Duckie is tremendous with kids and they had themselves a favourite Uncle Duck in no time. 

We went to the Hamilton Warplane Museum.  What an experience when you have a personal tour guide :)

But no summer day is complete without a trip to Port Dover, and that famous Arbour Dog.  We were enjoying said culinary delights at a picnic table, when Red decided he did not want the slice of pickle that was on his hotdog.  So he picked it up and tossed it...  It landed squarely on the eye of Duckman's cool man sunglasses with a squop...and it stayed there.  Big tough seasoned armed forces Duckman didn't flinch..and both boys froze...  Until they glanced at their very immature mother...  I had tears rolling down my face as I tried to contain the laughter.  Come on brother...a pickle in the eye?  That's some funny shit dude!  


My Duckman :)


He seems to have assumed the roll of my guardian, big brother, shoulder to cry on...  I'm not sure how I could ever  express to him just how much he means to me.  What a blessing, a true true friend he is.  And I hope he knows that I'm always there for him too.  Just not for that.


He spent a half an hour on video call with me tonight, making me laugh, and talking me out of the bluesy mood I had settled into...all lameass boy nonsense of course...  He says someday, some lucky guy is going to see me just the way he sees me.  Now isn't that the best shit you ever heard?  Huh?  And also, he threatened to lay a beating on the guy that hurt me.  Not THAT rocks!  :)  


Cause this guy, would do some damage....

Oh yeah...don't mess with the Awesomesauce...Duckman has her Six.  


....Or is that Nines...  I dunno...  I never said I was cool...


But I don't have to be...cuz I have me a Duckman.